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trying 2 be real again

by ♡ romantic poetry ♡

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  • Compact Disc (CD) + Digital Album

    comes in a paper case, with either flowers, snowflakes, or any other pattern. will have a lil instax photo attached. the CD will just have the album name written in sharpie :( i don't know how to print designs on them. v DIY.

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1.
the heart. 02:04
my heart is getting fat on your love. It's keep me full. I have forgotten what it feels like, to be starving. to be hungry. when you smile at me, my heart gets more fat fat fat, And my smile gets more wide wide wide. you tell me beautiful things, and my heart grows about six sizes, and so does yours when i tell you them back. my heart feels as if it is going to burst out of my chest. maybe even swallow me whole, until I am a big fat walking heart. at this point it seems like a lovely idea. but then you tell me my poems are pathetic and cliche my heart shrinks abound two sizes. but when I see your damn green eyes it grows four. my heart is constantly growing thin thin thin and then fat fat fat while yours seems to be doing the same. when my heart grows thin it brings my whole body pain, it makes me feel like all of me is shrinking. my heart has been more than full for so long and now I am remembering how much it hurt to have hunger. to be starving. to have empty space near my chest. Although there is more room for my ribcage, I still cry at night for the spaces not filled by you. when my heart grows fat again, I forget about the empty spaces, I am only focused on how much of me has become filled again. become focused on being a big fat walking heart. love consumes me. at those times, I think that it makes up all of me. when my heart is fat fat fat. if I had spent more time alone hungry Thin Starving I may have known the difference between loving you and thinking I needed you to survive
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boys pissing on sunflowers, the sky turns gray there is a light and it went out The day you walked away. the sad sads are creeping up on me again i can hear it in my voice when I speak. and I'm scared to be alone again. it makes me lose sleep. when the sun goes down, I come up, to start anew, hoping you are nowhere near. and if you see me you'll stay away. and I promise not to smile near you again. do not come near my bed, I will find sleep in rose gardens, they are your favorite flower And you cannot Find it in your heart to piss on them. the thorns will cut my body and I will bleed all over but as long as you do not make me dirty again the pain will not be felt anymore. forever to sleep in a bed of rose, never to feel softness again, but with the promise that you can never hurt me twice.
5.
seattle 00:48
april 10th 2016. meet me in the alley and kiss me. remind me how useless i am i don't exist to please you anyway its okay, i know it anyway we can never speak again after this, it's oh well, whatever nevermind. the air here always smells like cigarettes and weed. I prefer portland, anyways. i forgot to take my pills again i'm not always like this i'm sorry i'm like this I still have so much to say, you won't call back, it's okay, you'd just make me feel guilty about it, anyway
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it is empty 01:23
I can feel god inside of me when i look up to the sky and it is empty. peaceful and alone. nothing matters except everything. you are a hedonist. looking for pleasure in people who can barely provide it for themselves. you look for God in my chest but it is empty but thats how left it
9.
"he" 04:12
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roads 02:10
Shit, I'm listening to bright eyes again I want to lay on crumbling church steps with yr big white t shirt hanging loosely on my shoulders & reaching my knees. There are two bruises on my knees Almost identical, I think it means something, but I'm not completely sure what that is yet. there are people walking on the empty streets: looking - I do the same. I think we're looking for meaning, or something close to that. I fly to Portland, I think I might find it there. on the way I look at the Rocky Mountains, they seem to hold infinity . And I can see the curves of the roads, And the rivers, it reminds me how everything is connected somehow. i wonder what the roads will lead me to. Quinn and Madison said they are moving to the clouds to escape from the world. I look for them in the sky, I don't see them, but I know they are up there, somewhere. my roads do not lead to clouds any time soon. I don't find it fair. but I'm afraid of heights right now. I'll conquer my fear one day, just not today or maybe anytime soon. everybody I know seems like they want to get out. whether it's to Oregon or the clouds, they know it's better somewhere. the people who are content with staying scare me the most. they think this is the best they will ever get. they spend their weekends in basements, doing the same shit they did last week. that's not for me. I don't know where my road will go, or where I will be twenty years from now, but it does not end here. There is a whole world outside of Fishers, Indiana. this town is not how real life works. there are dreams I've slept through and forgotten- but leaving is a reoccurrence. The air in Oregon smells like pine trees and everybody I meet make effort to get to know me. no one has done that before. it is something new. i can't wait to see what this road leads me to.
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seeing places you’ve been on t.v. do not hold the same memories ringing doorbells for people who are not there, the ones with spiders in their hair. the strange man’s lips are coming too close you should have just stayed home. your lips dissolve into foam quietly disappearing until theres nothing left to touch quiet stillness, darkness not much left of you or left of me. your hands are reaching out but you can’t see what’s in front of you- it is not me. quiet stillness darkness you are not free he is pushing you against the wall eyes wide open dare not to close them at all baby, that is not how we do it here. that is not how we do it here. keep your eyes on me and you won’t disappear face lit by a dim light writing poems to stay alive or maybe to know a piece of you will stay. even the nights the demons are away and you are lying softly alone even the universe is still and absent rising and falling. like the heart in your chest, Do not let the parasites crawl into it to shrink your heart until it is nothing but flesh- Better to keep quiet alone, in stillness and darkness- it was easier to not move when his hand rested on your head. easier to be alone when you imagine yourself dead there’s voices inside the walls you’ve heard them all before smooth and calming but now they sound violent and angry you have had your passions written down and thrown away thats why now you have no idea what to say quiet stillness darkness tranquil serene silence dead flowers on the side of the road blood coming out of your nose death waits for you like a hand on a clock all this happened because you wanted to get over you writers block let the bad memories in keep the rest out immerse yourself in the sea, we all know you want to drown self pity wishing everything you said could sound pretty making rhymes will not make you fine with that mess of a mind
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23.
home. 04:55
I keep seeing your name on billboards in towns you have never been. A magician touched my bones and flowers grew out of my hands, i get high, i have new friends things are different. there are flowers in my hands again. if you get close they will die. I haven't been touched in so long. i fear if i do, my flowers will wilt, i do not want that to happen again. i no longer confine myself to lonely basements in the suburban town I grew up in. i explore different parts of my state, love a city most in my town will never venture to, Those places hold a home, one I thought I'd never find here I hold a boys clammy hand In fountain square He is so excited about the world Only a year younger than me but so less experienced I tell him he can find a home wherever he goes, But do not search for it somebody else's body. invite them to stay, and if they like it well enough They can settle there with you and if they get tired of it. remember it's your home. when i say that he just holds my hand tighter. can you invite me to stay, he says. stay in my home if you'd like, I say, but if the ghosts bother you, you can leave whenever you choose. I will not blame you , Sometimes they make it hard for me to sleep. but we can hide from them for a while In the tall buildings and the museums Pick a record. We can spin it all night long. don’t mind the ghost of the girl with the brown hair, if you read her one of my poems she’ll go away, when she comes back just read the lines i wrote about you over and over again. She wants me to settle in her body, but i remember the advice i told you, so i won’t. we can start up my car instead, and go to a random town and make it our home for a day. we will be complete strangers to it both, we will find the parts we love, and the parts we can do without- but we return to our home. he begins to know my home better. like it’s his own he knows where i keep my favorite books, where my paints are hidden, and my random folder of memories. he reads the old poems, and sees himself in the past me. my advice makes more sense now. and he appreciates my words more. i’m afraid he’ll make a home in me. when our knees touch on the couch we're both intoxicated with smiles and the worry doesn't sit in our minds we don't have to worry about the toxins when we're with eachother. the ghosts are unseen. It's easier with you. your nose doesn't scrunch when I laugh, you love more than my body, and understand why I've read slaughterhouse five six times. I start reading it you before you go to bed, six becomes seven. I read more to you- there are poems you don't understand But you think they're beautiful anyways. no matter how many metaphors i make about the sea you don’t call them cliche. i am not afraid to speak around you. it all comes easy now. i think it’s because we’re both home around each other, building homes in places we’ve never been, the dark haired ghost still lingers, i told you even when i was in a place i could call home, i never felt that way around her, you are not my home i say but you make home a whole lot better to be in, you are healthy, you handle my ghosts well. and i look at you, laying on the couch while a movie plays in the background, still- there’s a home here, and it does not involve me becoming your whole world or vice versa. it involves two people, who like being around each other, no matter where they call home, and being able to realize, that it’s okay to leave sometimes when the ghosts won’t let you sleep. and if i miss the movie you’re watching that is fine, i can watch it later and then we can chat about it in the dining room. with warm coffee, and cold feet. this is home for now. The sunlight pours in and hits our faces it makes admitting it easier. I hold your hand tight for the rest of the day. you make home a more beautiful place to be.
24.
I wish I still loved somebody so I could carve our initials on bathroom walls in Portland I'm not sure if I'll ever understand The streets are narrow I see faces under the street lights, the invite me in with their smiles and draw me in with their laughs i'm not sure if I'll ever understand when I think of you I think of sad piano music and I feel like floating you were never honest with me you were toxic i heard I have a lot of nerve, and that is right, you made me feel awful for simply existing. I don't think I'll ever understand why. I see she's wearing the choker I gave you in the photos. I laugh instead of get angry. I give a random girl I meet in Oregon the key necklace you gave me for my birthday. She says its beautiful and she can't wait until I come back. I didn't understand what true love felt like until I went to Oregon. There is a certain comfort knowing, I am thousands of miles away from the ones that hurt me. I love the small towns, the trees, the oceans, the cities and everything in between. every second I fall in love more and more. i don't think I'll ever understand why home is where the heart is and my heart lies here. in indiana my soul is far away, and I am reaching for it.

about

you don't care. that's the thing. so i shouldn't either. so this isn't for you. i planned to release this as an album for your birthday while i still loved you. but it's not for you anymore. it's for the people who love me back.
(you never read or listened to my poetry anyways.)

fuck. okay. these are all poems written from november 2015 - april of 2016. (except the year old poem okie and also another love poem is like september or october I'm not sure ) a lot has gone on in my life since "sad sad sad whatever" my last ep, i just randomly released one day. this album is not what i meant to make it. i had the plan for this album for a long time, and okay. I am a person who pretty much wears their heart on their sleeve for the most part. This album is dedicated to the people who have shown me love and support after these months. i don't know how to describe them. life is so weird.
Rosalie -Boy boy boy i am so glad we are friends. i love you so much for being such a kind person and just being you. we relate a ton and it is so nice to have someone who understands. I'm glad we both share poems together sometimes, that you took me to indianapolis, which i love low-key and i don't know. you're amazingly great. and we both deserve the world, and so much more than we were given. it's been hard, but i'm glad we both kinda realize it. at least i do, i hope you do, too. you're great.
megan- u ar always there for me, and i don't have to put into words the way i feel about u as a person, u know.
my squad (Jade, madison, quinn, tyrece and Mack) - WOWEE you have all made my spring break and life just a lot brighter. you guys make me forget about all the bullshit. it's just all memes, hair, school shit, being there for each other, and all just being really great friends?? I'm glad jade just there me into the squad. Jade, i appreciate how motherly you are and how you care for absolutely everyone. fuck. usually i take the motherly role towards my younger friends. it's such a great role reversal. you are so pretty and nice and wow just wonderful. i'm glad you're in my life.
madison -SOCIALIST TRASH # 1 ILY you are so pretty and funny and heck nice and you take another motherly role and always can make everyone laugh and wow you are just so great. (and u and trash are cute together ;)) )
quinn - trash buddy thank u for putting up with my shit esp when me you and megan hang out and when i was really sad thank u for letting me rant to you . you are very nice cute and kind and u and madison together give me life ye
tyrece -george bush youu're literally george bush
mack - you're so cute and we don't know each other that well but you're so nice and i can't wait to know you better

credits

released April 12, 2016

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♡ romantic poetry ♡ hell, Michigan

2015 - 2018.

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