trying 2 be real again

by ♡ romantic poetry ♡

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    comes in a paper case, with either flowers, snowflakes, or any other pattern. will have a lil instax photo attached. the CD will just have the album name written in sharpie :( i don't know how to print designs on them. v DIY.

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about

you don't care. that's the thing. so i shouldn't either. so this isn't for you. i planned to release this as an album for your birthday while i still loved you. but it's not for you anymore. it's for the people who love me back.
(you never read or listened to my poetry anyways.)

fuck. okay. these are all poems written from november 2015 - april of 2016. (except the year old poem okie and also another love poem is like september or october I'm not sure ) a lot has gone on in my life since "sad sad sad whatever" my last ep, i just randomly released one day. this album is not what i meant to make it. i had the plan for this album for a long time, and okay. I am a person who pretty much wears their heart on their sleeve for the most part. This album is dedicated to the people who have shown me love and support after these months. i don't know how to describe them. life is so weird.
Rosalie -Boy boy boy i am so glad we are friends. i love you so much for being such a kind person and just being you. we relate a ton and it is so nice to have someone who understands. I'm glad we both share poems together sometimes, that you took me to indianapolis, which i love low-key and i don't know. you're amazingly great. and we both deserve the world, and so much more than we were given. it's been hard, but i'm glad we both kinda realize it. at least i do, i hope you do, too. you're great.
megan- u ar always there for me, and i don't have to put into words the way i feel about u as a person, u know.
my squad (Jade, madison, quinn, tyrece and Mack) - WOWEE you have all made my spring break and life just a lot brighter. you guys make me forget about all the bullshit. it's just all memes, hair, school shit, being there for each other, and all just being really great friends?? I'm glad jade just there me into the squad. Jade, i appreciate how motherly you are and how you care for absolutely everyone. fuck. usually i take the motherly role towards my younger friends. it's such a great role reversal. you are so pretty and nice and wow just wonderful. i'm glad you're in my life.
madison -SOCIALIST TRASH # 1 ILY you are so pretty and funny and heck nice and you take another motherly role and always can make everyone laugh and wow you are just so great. (and u and trash are cute together ;)) )
quinn - trash buddy thank u for putting up with my shit esp when me you and megan hang out and when i was really sad thank u for letting me rant to you . you are very nice cute and kind and u and madison together give me life ye
tyrece -george bush youu're literally george bush
mack - you're so cute and we don't know each other that well but you're so nice and i can't wait to know you better

credits

released April 12, 2016

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about

♡ romantic poetry ♡ Indianapolis, Indiana

spoken word poetry and crying










( all album sales go towards my college, I got accepted into my dream college, which i will be transferring to in a couple of year <3 )







listen to music i like: 8tracks.com/reily-s/mixes/1
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Track Name: the heart.
my heart is getting fat on your love.
It's keep me full.
I have forgotten what it feels like,
to be starving.
to be hungry.
when you smile at me,
my heart gets more fat fat fat,
And my smile gets more wide wide wide.
you tell me beautiful things,
and my heart grows about six sizes,
and so does yours when i tell you them back.
my heart feels as if it is going to burst out of my chest.
maybe even swallow me whole,
until I am a big fat walking heart.
at this point
it seems like a lovely idea.
but then
you tell me
my poems are pathetic
and cliche
my heart shrinks abound two sizes.
but when I see your damn green eyes it grows four.
my heart is constantly growing thin thin thin and then fat fat fat
while yours seems to be doing the same.
when my heart grows thin
it brings my whole body pain,
it makes me feel like all of me is shrinking.
my heart has been more than full for so long
and now I am remembering
how much it hurt to have hunger.
to be starving.
to have empty space near my chest.
Although there is more room for my ribcage,
I still cry at night for the spaces not filled by you.
when my heart grows fat again,
I forget about the empty spaces,
I am only focused on
how much of me has become filled again.
become focused on being
a big fat walking heart.
love consumes me.
at those times,
I think that it makes up all of me.
when my heart is fat fat fat.
if I had spent more time alone
hungry
Thin
Starving
I may have known the difference
between loving you
and thinking
I needed you to survive
Track Name: boys pissing on flowers
boys pissing on sunflowers,
the sky turns gray
there is a light and
it went out
The day you walked away.
the sad sads
are creeping up on me again
i can hear it in my voice when I speak.
and I'm scared to be alone again.
it makes me lose sleep.
when the sun goes down,
I come up,
to start anew,
hoping you are nowhere near.
and if you see me you'll stay away.
and I promise not to smile near you again.
do not come near my bed,
I will find sleep in rose gardens,
they are your favorite flower
And
you cannot
Find it in your heart to piss on them.
the thorns will cut my body
and I will bleed all over
but as long as you
do not make me dirty again
the pain will not be felt anymore.
forever to sleep in a bed of rose,
never to feel softness again,
but with the promise
that you can never hurt me twice.
Track Name: seattle
april 10th 2016.
meet me in the alley and kiss me. remind me how useless i am
i don't exist to please you anyway
its okay,
i know it anyway
we can never speak again after this,
it's
oh well,
whatever
nevermind.
the air here always smells like
cigarettes and weed.
I prefer portland, anyways.
i forgot to take my pills again
i'm not always like this
i'm sorry i'm like this
I still have so much to say,
you won't call back,
it's okay,
you'd just make me feel guilty about it, anyway
Track Name: it is empty
I can feel god inside of me
when i look up to the sky
and it is empty.
peaceful and alone.
nothing matters
except everything.
you are a hedonist.
looking for pleasure
in people
who can barely provide it for themselves.
you look for God in my chest
but it is empty
but thats how left it
Track Name: roads
Shit, I'm listening to bright eyes again
I want to lay on crumbling church steps
with yr big white t shirt hanging loosely on my shoulders &
reaching my knees.
There are two bruises on my knees
Almost identical,
I think it means something,
but I'm not completely sure what that is
yet.
there are people walking on
the empty streets: looking -
I do the same.
I think we're looking for meaning, or something close to that.
I fly to Portland, I think I might find it there.
on the way I look at the Rocky Mountains,
they seem to hold infinity .
And I can see the curves of the roads,
And the rivers,
it reminds me how everything is connected somehow.
i wonder what the roads will lead me to.
Quinn and Madison said they are moving to the clouds
to escape from the world.
I look for them in the sky,
I don't see them, but I know they are up there,
somewhere.
my roads do not lead to clouds any time soon.
I don't find it fair.
but I'm afraid of heights right now.
I'll conquer my fear one day,
just not today or maybe anytime soon.
everybody I know seems like they want to get out.
whether it's to Oregon or the clouds,
they know it's better somewhere.
the people who are content with staying scare me the most.
they think this is the best
they will ever get.
they spend their weekends in basements, doing the same shit they did last week.
that's not for me.
I don't know where my road will go,
or where I will be twenty years from now,
but it does not end here.
There is a whole world outside of Fishers, Indiana.
this town is not how real life works.
there are dreams I've slept through
and forgotten-
but leaving is a reoccurrence.
The air in Oregon smells like pine trees
and everybody I meet
make effort to get to know me.
no one has done that before.
it is something new.
i can't wait to see what this road leads me to.
Track Name: writers block
seeing places you’ve been on t.v.
do not hold the same memories
ringing doorbells for people who are not there,
the ones with spiders in their hair.
the strange man’s lips are coming too close
you should have just stayed home.
your lips dissolve into foam
quietly disappearing
until theres nothing left to touch
quiet stillness, darkness not much
left of you or left of me.
your hands are reaching out
but you can’t see
what’s in front of you-
it is not me.
quiet stillness darkness you are not free
he is pushing you against the wall
eyes wide open
dare not to close them at all
baby, that is not how we do it here.
that is not how we do it here.
keep your eyes on me
and you won’t disappear
face lit by a dim light
writing poems to stay alive
or maybe to know a piece of you will stay.
even the nights the demons are away
and you are lying softly
alone
even the universe is still
and absent
rising and falling.
like the heart in your chest,
Do not let the parasites crawl into it
to shrink your heart until it is nothing
but flesh-
Better to keep quiet alone, in stillness and darkness-
it was easier to not move
when his hand rested on your head.
easier to be alone when you imagine yourself dead
there’s voices inside the walls
you’ve heard them all
before smooth and calming
but now they sound
violent and angry
you have had your passions written down and thrown away
thats why now you have no idea what to say
quiet stillness darkness
tranquil serene silence
dead flowers on the side of the road
blood coming out of your nose
death waits for you
like a hand on a clock
all this happened because you wanted to get over you writers block
let the bad memories in
keep the rest out
immerse yourself in the sea,
we all know you want to drown
self pity
wishing everything you said
could sound pretty
making rhymes will not make you fine
with that mess of a mind
Track Name: home.
I keep seeing your name on billboards
in towns you have never been.
A magician touched my bones
and flowers grew out of my hands,
i get high,
i have new friends
things are different.
there are flowers in my hands again.
if you get close they will die.
I haven't been touched in so long.
i fear if i do,
my flowers will wilt,
i do not want that to happen again.
i no longer confine myself to lonely basements
in the suburban town I grew up in.
i explore different parts of my state,
love a city most in my town will never venture to,
Those places hold a home,
one I thought I'd never find here
I hold a boys clammy hand
In fountain square
He is so excited about the world
Only a year younger than me
but so less experienced
I tell him he can find a home wherever he goes,
But do not search for it somebody else's body.
invite them to stay,
and if they like it well enough
They can settle there with you
and if they get tired of it.
remember it's your home.
when i say that
he just holds my hand tighter.
can you invite me to stay, he says.
stay in my home if you'd like,
I say,
but if the ghosts bother you,
you can leave whenever you choose.
I will not blame you ,
Sometimes they make it hard for me to sleep.
but we can hide from them for a while
In the tall buildings and the museums
Pick a record. We can spin it all night long.
don’t mind the ghost of the girl with the brown hair,
if you read her one of my poems she’ll go away,
when she comes back just read the lines i wrote about you
over and over again.
She wants me to settle in her body,
but i remember the advice i told you,
so i won’t.
we can start up my car instead,
and go to a random town and make it our home for a day.
we will be complete strangers to it both,
we will find the parts we love, and the parts we can do without-
but we return to our home.
he begins to know my home better.
like it’s his own
he knows where i keep my favorite books, where my paints are hidden, and my random folder of memories.
he reads the old poems, and sees himself in the past me.
my advice makes more sense now.
and he appreciates my words more.
i’m afraid he’ll make a home in me.
when our knees touch on the couch
we're both intoxicated with smiles
and the worry doesn't sit in our minds
we don't have to worry about the toxins when we're with eachother.
the ghosts are unseen.
It's easier with you.
your nose doesn't scrunch when I laugh,
you love more than my body,
and understand why I've read slaughterhouse five six times.
I start reading it you
before you go to bed,
six becomes seven.
I read more to you-
there are poems you don't understand
But you think they're beautiful anyways.
no matter how many metaphors i make about the sea
you don’t call them cliche.
i am not afraid to speak around you.
it all comes easy now.
i think it’s because we’re both home around each other,
building homes in places we’ve never been,
the dark haired ghost still lingers,
i told you even when i was in a place
i could call home,
i never felt that way around her,
you are not my home
i say
but
you make home a whole lot better to be in,
you are healthy,
you handle my ghosts well.
and i look at you,
laying on the couch
while a movie plays in the background,
still- there’s a home here,
and it does not involve me becoming your whole world
or vice versa.
it involves
two people,
who like being around each other,
no matter where they call home,
and being able to realize,
that it’s okay to leave sometimes when the ghosts won’t let you sleep.
and if i miss the movie you’re watching that is fine,
i can watch it later and then we can chat about it in the dining room.
with warm coffee, and cold feet.
this is home for now.
The sunlight pours in and hits our faces
it makes admitting it easier.
I hold your hand tight for the rest of the day.
you make home a more beautiful place to be.
Track Name: i don't think i'll ever understand.
I wish I still loved somebody so I could carve our initials on bathroom walls in Portland
I'm not sure if I'll ever understand
The streets are narrow
I see faces under the street lights,
the invite me in with their smiles
and draw me in with their laughs
i'm not sure if I'll ever understand
when I think of you I think of
sad piano music
and I feel like floating
you were never honest with me
you were toxic
i heard I have a lot of nerve,
and that is right,
you made me feel awful for simply existing.
I don't think I'll ever understand why.
I see she's wearing the choker I gave you in the photos.
I laugh instead of get angry.
I give a random girl I meet in Oregon
the key necklace you gave me for my birthday.
She says its beautiful
and she can't wait until I come back.
I didn't understand what true love felt like
until I went to Oregon.
There is a certain comfort knowing,
I am thousands of miles away
from the ones that hurt me.
I love the small towns, the trees, the oceans, the cities and everything in between.
every second I fall in love
more and more.
i don't think I'll ever understand why
home is where the heart is
and my heart lies
here.
in indiana
my soul is far away,
and I am reaching for it.