1. |
introduction
07:10
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2. |
don't care
01:49
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She doesn't mind the cuts on my legs
she still eats me out on her basement floor
she doesn't care about anybody but herself
I won't let her eat me alive
I wear a sticker for my silence
on my chest
people ask why I'm like this
I won't talk to anyone about anything at all
Get me out of your head
Get your toxic tongue away from my legs
I want to wear a crown of thorns on my head
I wanna go away
I want to say goodbye
I want every feeling inside me to die
I want to crawl in a hole
I want to wear yr skin
I won't talk to anybody
about anything at all
You have a toxic tongue
Always making me feel sick
I don't want to talk about it
there's nothing more for me to say
but I keep writing about it anyway
you want to eat my corpse
you want me to die
you wanna see my sweat
You've already seen me cry
you sure like seeing all your lovers cry
you don't feel anything at all
But you feel me
But I don't want to talk about anything to anyone at all
the queen is dead and so am i
slam my against my apartment door
you kiss my neck
you wanna take a break
you don’t care about anyone or anything at all
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3. |
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Half of my summer was spent
in my bed
watching videos
of people
pretending to have a conversation with me
or stretched in a field
with the same book
as my friends and i watched the skateboarders
and commented on the ones we thought were attractive
as we popped our hips out
and put our fingers in our mouths.
half my summer was spent trying to be quiet.
wanting to shut myself out.
i played music with the sound of waves to fall asleep
and closed my eyes and imagined i was by the ocean
and it could not drown me.
but sleep brought vivid dreams i didn’t want to have
In those dreams for some reason
I told you "yes"
but my heart knows I firmly said
"No"
did I make myself fall in love
so I could suffer
or so i could write better poetry
i don't know
I don't know
I look out the car window
And you're not there
you're close enough for me to feel you crawling inside my skin
but far enough where your eyes don't meet mine
and we don't talk anymore
and that isn't by choice
it's because i know if we still did
there's no way I'd survive
I'm barely clinging
as it is
and seeing your face through my computer screen nearly pushed me off the edge
one text
one button
no more you
half of me wants to print it in my book
half of me wants to rip my heart off my sleeve
But my heart always wins
I can't feel my legs.
they will stretch across the crumbled streets
waiting
but I don't think it's for you anymore.
maybe it's for the next car
maybe it's for the other person waiting ,too.
far.
who knows,
I sure don't.
that's the thrill of it all
Not knowing.
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4. |
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My metaphors for you
were oceans homes and Suns
more like corner Suns
drawn in crayon on a piece of scrap paper
with a smiley face drawn over them with a cheap pen
almost out of ink
with the sky only reaching to the middle of the paper
violet instead of blue
and the flowers bigger than the people-
this was you
and color went outside of the lines
and I hung it up on my fridge
with alphabet magnets spelling out
"first love"
but I can draw better.
it's ripped off the fridge,
the magnets spell out
"disappointment"
the flowers are smaller than the people
suns don't sit in the corners of skies
the sky reaches higher
it's a usually a bluish color, never fully purple.
colors never spread outside of lines
this is reality.
you are old,
drawings don't get hung up on the fridge anymore
nor good grades
Just doctors appointments on your calendar
bills that need to be paid
and your grocery list
your new drawing gets thrown away.
Nine to five job
Cooking dinner
not loving who you sleep next to,
this will be all familiar soon.
because you are old.
but deep down you know
it doesn't have to be this way,
because now you have new metaphors
he shows the nature parks in your state
and when you look at him on top of you you think
this is better than a corner sun,
all the realness surrounding you makes you feel good
you don't have to draw it out anymore,
no smiley faces on paper
because you feel the muscles on your face form into a smile, and the ink does not run
you can be whatever you want
a beautiful watercolor painting
Your colors mixing together,
a beautiful far from perfect masterpiece,
that doesn't need to be displayed on a fridge to be seen
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5. |
a lesson on being pure
02:04
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when i turned seventeen
i was no longer a virgin’s dream
i smoked that dope
and i watched my lungs burn out
while an uncaring girl took everything away from me
i don’t feel like my body belongs to me.
what does it mean to be pure?
is anybody really sure?
what’s the context of the line in this poem?
what is this metaphor truly about?
i want no lies just love
if it means i won’t ever be happy again
please just tell me.
so i can prepare for it
when she dies i die.
but who am i to stay in a sea
of endless melancholy?
the drugs will carry me off-
there are colors found in
the shades of black
they glow red and blue.
oh the shapes they make
are so beautiful
will it be easier now
that i know i’m alone?
i feel sick when
i think about home
yr moms lying on the couch
looking at the sky,
does it make you sad
that one day she will die?
in yr bed do you
want to disappear
would it make it better
if was there?
the roof is the color of coffee
and yr eyes are the color of the mary jane you inhaled
that night in a damp shed
and your laugh echoed till it got trapped in the walls
while your friends tried to sound deep
about small things
your arms will hurt from every inch of them you have torn,
but remember it's all your fault.
there's nothing to be upset about
you watch the sky change from grey to orange.
you want your sadness to turn into passion.
But you're still stuck on your couch
Wondering when beautiful shit will come out yr mouth.
but when it comes out
Do you slit your wrists
want the bad to leave
There's nothing pretty to you
about being clean
there's flowers on her arms
and cuts on yours
you still have a lot to learn
about being pure.
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6. |
a loss of innocence
02:18
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pink velvet draped
on the shoulders
i try to be lonely for you
but when the world stops
and the roots
take over the sky,
in the end
I just want to matter to somebody.
feed me strawberry ice cream
On a golden platter
and make me become cotton candy sunshine again
I want to know the small details
About you
there was a loss of innocence.
at night i pick at my skin
i think i will be lonely forever
it’s just too easy to leave me,
its too easy to forget.
and i always forgive.
the reasons i cry till 1 a.m.
blood is flowing underneath my skin
i get more sick when i look at it
but
i think I will leave the marks on paper
instead of on my skin.
it’s healthier that way
but still -
sometimes i want to die.
last night i had a dream
i was in the back of a car with a boy i didn’t know
he involuntary rested his head on my lap,
and out of habit- i started touching his hair-
he looked up at me and i apologized quickly-
he just smiled up at me and moved closer-
i wondered if it was you-
as a different person- still having ways to find me in my sleep.
but he seemed softer,
and the look eyes was unfamiliar, one you had never gave me
afterwards i woke up- and remembered a phrase i told you once when we were kissing
“write poetry about me with your tongue”
and how reacted the same as the boy in my dreams,
but you’re not him.
you’re just the girl i used to love.
it won’t matter ten years from now-
it probably won’t even matter in a year
but when i get calls from concerned friends-
i have to tell them-
you were supposed to be one of the good ones
but now you’re just an anecdote
and if i ever have children-
i will tell them to stay away from girls like you.
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7. |
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8. |
new york city
02:16
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You will find the parts of the city you love and the parts you can do without, but some parts of yourself will reach out for home and familiarity, but you know it's better now. You will see her face on passing by strangers, maybe she was not different after all. There are hundreds of her here. Making you feel less alone. Less different. But you see new, more beautiful faces. That welcome you, as their hands brush against yours. Familiarity fades. Who needed it anyways? That was what you were looking to escape from. Every day becomes an adventure. Maybe you'll stop looking for her in the bookstore. Or the library. Or the coffee shop, because one day you'll realize, she is finally far. Those instances where you accidentally encountered her, are gone. She is a stranger again. And you shake less, and you are not afraid to go to places she would love. But some nights are still hard, when you're alone, in bed facing the buildings filled with people you may never know, your text messages are empty, you haven't kissed anyone in weeks, people here don't stare at you on the street. You think, maybe I should go home. no, because it will not always be like this. You will meet new people. You will get text messages. People will care, and you won't want to leave anymore. Because this is what home truly is.
home is not the person you find yourself thinking about when you’re lonely. home is where you feel almost complete. The people who were once strangers to you, become the people you feel you can’t live without. but she’s proof you can if or when they leave. home is somewhere you can create yourself or be yourself with feeling scared or bad. and maybe you don’t need friends, but they help. finally. home.
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9. |
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Make me feel important oh god please make me feel important
I'll never apologize for my feelings
I'll never apologize for my feelings
July 31st will make it a year
I wish I never cared
but it's 3:00 am and suddenly I care
there's sad piano music
That was supposed to numb me enough
to make falling asleep easier
there's thorns in my feet
Tired
Tired
Tired
All of me is tired
you don't even think of me anymore
I don't blame you.
I wish I could do the same.
(ft me playing piano badly at 3 a.m. and singing badly)
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10. |
/////////
01:12
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11. |
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you're going to be laying on the floor of your apartment and wonder why you're still stuck.
No one reaches to grab your hand.
I wanted to save you.
We all wanted to.
But when that summer ended,
so did your motivation to keep on living.
School started and you remembered what was wrong.
Everything seemed impossible again
and that summer was one of the last ones you were going to have.
I wanted to save you
We all wanted to
And the Polaroid photos I left on your desk
Just reminded you
what we had was lost
And even though I promised we'd still be friends
you still Thought of me as a lover and a friend.
We couldn't just take a part of that away and pretend nothing ever happened between both of us
like I had hoped would.
It's never that easy.
and you avoided my calls and glances in the hallways
You said you thought of me as a lover and a friend.
why couldn't one be enough?
we just threw both away
and I just gave up.
I wanted to save you
we all wanted to.
I guess just didn't try hard enough
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12. |
the bench
01:14
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13. |
i just needed a friend.
02:01
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sorry k. last few lines are improved, i was happy we were friends again, but stuff did not go as planned. sorry i never felt the same, i guess
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14. |
used to it.
01:36
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Wear your heart on your sleeve even if it isn't in style
Speak even if your voice doesn't sound like a melody
You cannot silence me
You cannot silence me
I have seen hell
I have touched it
I no longer fear it.
she sometimes still creeps up on me
But you can not take everything away from Me
my voice is all I have left
sometimes you have to touch your demons
to be able to find them in the darkness
I've given up blindly thrashing around in hope to get better
I will look you in the eye and say I'm not okay
and if I cry I will not wipe away the tears
because getting better to me does not mean I have to hide.
I have felt tears slip down my cheeks
while I was sitting in the passenger seat.
others took the wheel.
I want to have control of where I'm going
I hate the way the silence sounds in the empty parking lots
Boys have laid girls down here
As the silence filled them
flicking ashes off their camel cigarettes
the only sounds escaping them are desperate moans.
I just wanted to feel like you really loved me.
I didn't know how to tell you,
my body was a better communicator.
But now I just want it to shut the fuck up.
I was supposed to write a poem about getting better and being strong
but all I got was this kind of bullshit
but don't worry,
I've gotten used to it.
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15. |
march 14th
02:40
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i forgot i recorded this lmaoooooo
( i think these are the words for this)
poems are written on bathroom walls
The longer I sit
The more I see
I think some are written
for me.
It's raining and we are supposed to go to the old house
with stories of ghosts and girls with
flowers in their hair.
being there reminds us how
death is free.
we write poems like apologies
Cigarette butts cover our playgrounds
along with memories.
certain ones more fresh than others
some
hold more sting
you told me I was hard to love.
you broke my heart every time you wouldn’t call.
Kissing walls you leaned on
hoping to get a taste of your lips
i watched video before i went to bed
and it didn’t hurt like i hoped it would.
don’t know why i wanted it to.
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16. |
somebody
03:38
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I started smoking weed again,
in hope maybe it could help me understand how your mind worked.
because when you smoked, you seemed happy.
something i could never manage to make you.
i had done it a few times but,
not as much as you had.
i realized this-
it made the music sound better,
the sheets warmer,
the sky darker.
i wanted more.
but drugs can only do so much.
my mother found out.
no more.
you don’t need to tell me nobody will love me,
you actions spoke loud enough.
you hurt me.
i have lied to you enough, in hopes to keep you happy.
but it had just made me feeler emptier.
I want to put myself first, but that just makes me “mean”.
because thats the only word you ever used to describe me.
“mean.”
“mean”
“mean”
but i never told you no one would love you.
i just said you hurt me,
and it was best we couldn’t speak
and i wasn’t sorry for being upset.
because even after everything, i still don’t hate you.
i just wanted to put myself first once,
because i am broken down clock tower.
i’m not whole.
i don’t work like i want to.
i remember what you said about my favorite poet, being untalented,
i remember when you got angry at me for being introverted
for being sad.
thats what i was most of the time.
“sad.”
and i know it wasn’t fair to you.
dating the sad girl.
that thought no one could ever love her.
you knew i was scared.
i told you that was one of my fears,
and you write it down
to make a quick poem out of it,
because you know it will hurt me.
but I’m used to it.
you bought us the same notebook for christmas,
i still kept it and write in it every day,
even though it mean nothing to you,
it meant everything.
i now know what you wrote on the bench.
you lied to me.
you never loved me.
i know you didn’t.
you said it in the poem.
they told me everything.
a little over a year ago we came together
but a little over a year ago we fell apart
because some people are not meant to be
that's how it'll always be
that's how it'll always be
and when you left i asked myself
“did you really come back just to leave?”
i had so much hope.
we had plans.
oregon.
poems on the walls.
i saw you as a part of my future.
but i was just temporary.
a little toy.
last week i cried in the airport.
surrounded by strangers
no one asked what was wrong.
i don’t remember how you smell anymore.
and the first time you left,
i forgot how your voice sounded.
but this time you made sure to make it haunt me.
you stole my soul,
i think it was when we made out in the graveyard.
when we walked back and my body hung limp,
the end credits should’ve rolled,
but then you said
“thanks for being patient with me"
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17. |
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The yellow light illuminated our pale faces, it’s cold but not too cold, and we’re on the roof of a parking garage and everything feels like a movie. We don’t look at each other. We’re too busy staring into the empty space that occupies the air around us. I want to go up to you and hold your hand. I want to make the space feel less empty. You are shivering, as your black hair blends into the sky. The drugs made your face look really different. It's not how I remembered it. It is silent to both of us. We are too lost in the beauty of it all. The sounds of the cars, the people, everything is drowned out when we are with each other. We don’t think about the college rejection letters, the job applications, the things that make our lives real. I hope you forget about her like you forgot about yourself. I hope it brings you the peace you need. I want it to be like this forever. I walk over to you and lay my head on your shoulder, as we watch the cars drive off into the Fishers sky. Everything seems to be drifting farther and farther away from us. I am scared.
We love eachother but we don’t. It’s as simple and as complicated as that. And I think that scares me the most.
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18. |
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lol fave if u wanna die
i’m learning how to be happy again,
i appreciate the concern,
i swear i’m okay.
really.
my friends ask me for advice on their relationships,
it’s senior year.
everyone is drifting away from each other.
it hasn’t even been a month.
we start filling out our college apps
and the stress crashes into our bodies
like a tidal wave
you're just as fucked up
As the rest of us,
And strangers tell me to stay far away from you
"Stay safe" written on my Facebook messages
and the makeup stings my eyes
it's 12:00 a.m.
we're playing brand new
As the noblesville air hits our skin
while people shout inaudible words out of their cars
in my dreams we're still together.
we don't hate eachother.
or talk about the past,
we're best friends
and we're walking on the beach
next to this old antique shop.
In my dreams the past doesn't exist,
and you're the person I thought you were.
i start to miss you.
But I know my dreams are filthy liars.
you're not the angel I thought you were.
you are the complete opposite.
I could never love you again.
I could never be your best friend.
my dreams are filthy liars.
I lay in my bed hoping to fade into it.
I don't want to see you ever again.
keep my name out of your mouth.
Stop shaming me for sex
When that's all you wanted
even when I told you
No.
My sister warned me of girls that would use me,
but oh god,
I never knew
that it would be the poet
with the pale boney skin
and beautiful green eyes I swore I got lost in every second I looked at them.
You were supposed to be one of the good ones
But your pretty face will never make up for you deceitfulness.
you can write as many poems about me being toxic as you want
but it won't make you a better person.
telling people no one will love them,
Sex shaming your exes
and using the things they fear most,
will never make you the person you want to be.
I told you about my father.
How he almost overdosed.
How he needs a breathing machine
How he tried to kill himself,
How I would never ever
do the things he did,
but my feelings weren't as important
As a shitty one minute poem.
I trusted you,
But the minute I told you the truth about
how you had been toxic to me,
all of that suddenly didn't matter to you.
Even though you swore you only wanted the truth.
But when you said my feelings were valid
And it was okay if we didn't speak anymore,
You lied.
But what's new?
Self help books and Internet searches will never fix it.
and if I have a child,
I will warn them so many times.
But I'm still the crazy one.
Who could never be loved.
You told me you had a dream I jumped into an ocean.
I'm sure it doesn't scare you anymore.
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♡ romantic poetry ♡ hell, Michigan
2015 - 2018.
♡ romantic poetry ♡ recommends:
a very good friendo and talented poet and an overall lovely person!
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